Saco Trip HistorySaco 1 - 1989
Rich Dziadul, Jay Quick, Mark Sugalski,
Phil Kent, Kirk Gartside, Eric JohnsonRich devised a system whereby the food was hoisted in the air so that bears wouldn't get to it. Kirk said he was quite adamant about it.
Eric and Kirk brought some fireworks along -- the pride and joy of which was a roman candle. Kirk stuck it in the ground and thought he had aimed it into the air. But the wrong end was in the ground, and when it ignited, it flipped over and shot flames over Phil and Jason's tent. An irritated Jason ran out of the tent, grabbed Kirk shoes, and threw them in the river.
Mark got severely sunburned and finished the trip wearing jeans, a jean jacket and a hat. Jay drove the 'Mystery Machine' -- the Quick family van -- with a canoe hanging out of it and lawn furniture for seating.
Saco 2 - 1993
Jay Quick, Jeff Vale, Jon Graney, Rich DziadulThe first of two trips in 1993. Jeff decided to bring steak, although everyone else told him it wasn't a good idea. After eating it, Jeff got sick and threw up. Naturally, everyone blamed it on his steak, and Jeff earned the nickname "Mr. Steak."
On the second day of the trip, Jon refused to wear sunscreen and got a horrible sunburn on his shoulders and back. Jay nicknamed Jon "Sizzleback," at the campsite on the second night. The campsite became a perennial favorite, and was named Sizzleback Beach. Sizzleback Beach has been the second-night campsite on many trips since. In 1996 and 2003, it was underwater.
Saco 3 - 1993
Jay Quick, Jeff Vale, Jon Graney, Rich Dziadul, Dave BoatwrightThe second of two trips in 1993. Dave "Boat" Boatwright joined the crew, so the trip had five people. That's right, one canoe had three people in it.
On the first day, that three-men-in-a-canoe combo consisted of Jay, Boat and Rich. Rich steered, Boat paddled up front, and Jay sat in a beach chair in the middle of the canoe like Cleopatra.
However, Boat didn't know how to navigate, and he and Rich steered the canoe right up onto a log. As the canoe tipped, Jay hollered his now infamous phrase, "Guys, we got a problem here!" Jeff and Jon, watching in the other canoe, laughed so hard, they lost balance in their own canoe, tipping it enough to let Jeff's boom box fall into the river. Miraculously, it dried and survived the dunk. That radio has since vanished.
That evening, the group met up with a pack of nurses, and trip got much better. Jon found the famous "Captain Ron" shirt on the bottom of the river (Rich retrieved it for him). The crew stayed at Sizzleback Beach the second night, where a passer-by mocked the shirtless, fair-skinned Boat by yelling, "Hey! It's the Abominable Snowman!"
The next morning, Rich's notorious "Magnum" shorts disappeared into thin smoke. "R.I.P. Magnum - 9/6/93" (Labor Day, Monday) was carved on a nearby tree to record the incident.
The third occupant of the canoe made paddling very hard, so for a good portion of the trip, the crew tied the two canoes together, and floated downriver like a barge. The technique quickly became known as "El DeBarge," and is still known as such. Jay's 'Mystery Machine' was the transportation once again, and it stalled on the highway on the way home.
Saco 4 - 1994
Jay Quick, Jeff Vale, Jon Graney, Rich DziadulThe crew headed to the Saco, much to the chagrin of Jay's boss at the now-defunct Pace Membership Warehouse. Jay called in "sick" from a gas station along the way, as the rest of the crew did its best to blow his cover. On the second day of the trip, a violent thunderstorm rolled over Sizzleback Beach. While Jay and Rich rode out the storm on the beach, Jeff and Jon took shelter in the tent. But a gust of wind soon blew the tent over with Jeff and Jon inside, much to Jay's amusement.
That night, Jon decided to amuse himself at Jay's expense. In total darkness, Jon whispered, "Jay?" and when Jay turned his head, Jon sprayed him in the eyes with bug repellant. The silence of the night was shattered by Jay's screams of pain as he ran out of the tent, blinded, and into the river, stepping on Jeff's leg on the way.
Saco 5 - 1996
Jeff Vale, Jon Graney, Rich Dziadul, Jeff QuinnSaco 5 seemed cursed from the start. The door fell off Rich's car before the trip, so the crew left for the Saco way too late. Saco Bound was out of canoes, so the crew had to use Saco Valley Canoe for the only time in Saco history. The river was very high and swift due to a hard winter in early '96. With the water came mosquitoes. The crew, without much repellant, got eaten alive by the bugs. Rich's tent was tattered and full of holes. Dinner fell into the sand. And Jeff farted in Jon's ear.
The river was so high, it covered Sizzleback Beach. The mosquitoes were horrendous, and the river was so swift, the crew decided to end the trip a day early. But the trip had some shining moments, like when Jon found twenty bucks in the sand at the bottom of the river.
Editor's note: After the trip, I created a Web site detailing the adventure. Luckily, I archived the old site for posterity, and have put it back online. If you'd like to take a look at the old site and read the stories, click here!
Saco 6 - 2000
Jeff Vale, Jon Graney, Kirk Gartside, Brad ValeAfter a four-year hiatus, the crew headed back out on the Saco. Playing on the Survivor television show theme, the crew dubbed the trip "Sacovivor," and named the canoes Tagi and Pagong.
The crew spent the first day recalling memories of working at JCPenney Outlet Store before camping at the Fiddlehead Campground, which now charges a nominal fee. The crew set up camp under an incredible sunset.
The second day, Jeff claimed that transporting alcohol across the Massachusetts state line could get people in serious trouble. While Jeff was probably right, it was more amusing to claim he was wrong.
The disagreement spiraled downward to the point where Kirk and Jon mockingly claimed that Nazis were running the Commonwealth.
The second night, back on perennial favorite Sizzleback Beach, the "Sacovivors" partied with a group of Maine natives. Brad, sucking down rum-and-Cherry-Cokes, told the strangers several off-color jokes.
Kirk and Jon again started on the downward spiral, this time accusing Brad of being a Nazi himself.
Both Vale brothers threw up that night. No one was sure whether it was the alcohol, the food, or Kirk and Jon's relentless teasing.
On day three, Jeff and Brad were squirted from shore by a stranger with a Super Soaker. When they tried to retaliate with their paddles, they lost their balance and fell out of their canoes. Kirk and Jon handled the squirting by attempting to run over one of the swimmers with their canoe.
Editor's note: I created the first "Sacovivor" Web site for this trip. I also archived that site, so I put it back online. I never finished it, so ignore the "coming soon" promises. Click here!
Saco 7 - 2002
Jeff Vale, Jon Graney, Kirk Gartside, Eric Johnson, Phil Kent,
Rich Dziadul, Brad Vale, Jason Quick, Bob Kent, Mark SugalskiThe 10-member crew of Saco 7 was the largest to date. Everyone had received copies of the Sacovivor soundtrack except Eric and Kirk, so Jon pulled up alongside Eric's truck on I-84 and pulled a high-speed hand-off to Kirk. Saco 7 was underway. Later on the drive north, Eric pulled alongside the other vehicles to allow Kirk to "moon" them.
Saco 8 - 2003The crew met up with Phil and Mark at Saco Bound and everyone ventured into Fryeburg, where they obtained a burn permit and ate greasy pizza -- except Jay, who brought Chinese food into the pizza place. After lunch, everyone drove back to Saco Bound, loaded the canoes and set out upon the river.
The weather was perfect all weekend, except for a few minutes, when a thunderstorm passed nearby. The crack of thunder was rivaled only by the pop from Jay's paintball gun as he took aim on the other canoes. By the end of the trip, every canoe had Jay's bright-yellow signature on it.
Brad brought a pair of walkie-talkies, and before the portage at the dam, he had discovered that they weren't waterproof. It wasn't the first thing Brad would drop in the river. By the time the group had camped for Night One, Rich obliged the group with his famous routine...The "Big Dog."
The first night campsite was perfect. The group set up five tents. Well, four tents and Phil's Superdome. We're pretty sure that behemoth had two floors. Unfortunately for Rich, Phil's tent didn't come with instructions for how to unzip the flap.
As the night grew long, the crew was treated with fine entertainment: nearby idiots sailing their canoe down a torch-lit cliff, and Rich performing some ritual Blair-Witch-thing in the river. We didn't ask questions. The Movie Game capped the night. Bob was asked to name a movie beginning with the letter "N," so he, naturally, answered, "Majestic!"
"N, Bob! N!" After that, everything became 'najestic' -- now indelibly burned into Saco folklore...like Rich's shorts.
Day Two saw perfect weather and great canoeing. A lunchtime stop included a new Vortex-inspired game called "Kill Your Friends." The group reached Sizzleback Beach in the early afternoon. The game continued, although it cost Brad his $140 sunglasses, which floated away and were claimed by the mighty Saco.
Some Sacovivors helped Rich build an enormous bonfire on Sizzleback, which Rich insisted on calling a "Viking funeral pyre." Jon tried to light it prematurely, but Rich was able to snuff it out. The bonfire was again lit after dinner, and burned najestically. The group met "Skunk Boy," a punk from a neighboring camp who passed out standing up; tried to warm his ass with the fire; and obviously didn't know which way Mecca was. And Kirk made a batch of Jiffy No-Pop.
Day Three (or Day One, if you use Bob's time scale) was another beautiful day -- an uneventful one until the group now-infamous "Tragedy at Dziadul Falls."
Everyone had successfully navigated through Walker's Rip -- a short, 25-foot rapid on the Saco -- but Brad and Rich had yet to navigate it.
As they approached it, with Brad navigating, Rich steering aft, and a huge cooler strapped top-heavy between them, Jon had a premonition.
"Kirk, you got any pictures left? You're going to want to get this." Jon said. Kirk feverishly deleted pictures on his digital camera and began snapping new ones as the tragedy unfolded.
As the two entered the rip, Brad spotted a rock and called out, "Right, Rich. Right!" But Rich continued left. As Brad again called for Rich to steer to the right, the canoe hit the rock dead-on, throwing the two off-balance. Water poured in over the sides as the canoe turned sideways and the two struggled to keep balance.
As water washed into the canoe, another canoe broadsided Brad and Rich -- the final blow which sent the canoe on its side, then under. Brad and Rich fell out into the water as their belongings scattered downriver.
It was, by far, the funniest event in our Saco history. Amid side-splitting laughter, the Sacovivors helped Brad and Rich collect their belongings to finish the last leg of the trip. Walker's Rip was unofficially renamed "Dziadul Falls."
Jeff Vale, Jon Graney, Kirk Gartside, Phil Kent, Rich Dziadul,
Brad Vale, Jason Quick, Bob Kent, Mark SugalskiIn the hours before the start of Saco 8, Kirk said, "Something bad is going to happen."
But even Kirk didn't know how prophetic his words would prove, for Saco 8 may be the most notorious Saco trip yet.
Day One was a Thursday -- the crew decided to start the trip a day earlier to avoid huge crowds that clog the river on Sundays. The group met at Jon's house before 7 a.m., except for Bob, who apparently got lost on the long drive to Ellington from Vernon.
The crew headed north to meet Phil and Mark at Saco Bound. A stop at on the Pike for breakfast, and another at the New Hampshire state liquor store for booze and instant lottery tickets slowed progress, but hey -- alcohol and gambling. Ya gotta give it up for that.
Trouble started at Saco Bound. As the group pulled in to Saco Bound, Bob revealed that Saco Bound had told him the river might be too swift for him to rent the kayak he hoped to rent. They stuck to their word.
The river was too high and too swift for kayaks, and worse, they weren't going to let any canoes in the river above the dam. "We drove four hours to get here. We're getting canoes. Let me talk to the manager," Jon insisted. It wasn't pretty.
After some attitude, Saco Bound reluctantly agreed to allow the crew on the river, but with all canoes. Rich piloted the extra canoe alone -- a move that would later doom the entire trip.
The Sacovivors set off down the swift river, and reached the dam by late afternoon...just enough time for Rich to get heavily inebriated on a concoction best described as varnish. Jon brought a new set of canoe portage wheels, but after Captain Crazy -- empowered by his drunken stupor -- got a hold of the canoes, the wheels ended up a twisted, distorted mess.
Nonetheless, the wheels endured, and the crew set back into the river and camped just below the dam on one of the few exposed beaches, sarcastically mocking Saco Bound and joking about flood sirens and possibilities of camp being deluged by a torrent from the dam.
On Day Two, the group awoke to a brilliant morning, even though folks in New York City were enduring a blackout. But much like New York, darkness was about to descend on Saco 8.
The crew packed camp after breakfast and headed onto the deserted river under clear skies and bright sun. Kirk had broken his new camp chair, but quickly found another chair at the bottom of the river.
There were few canoers on the river that Friday. Another group puttered by, assisted by a solar-powered motor. They soon motored off and disappeared in the distance, but it would not be last the Sacovivors would see of the group.
Even without a motor, the swift currents made for easy navigation of the river. But that didn't stop some -- namely Rich -- from paddling hard anyway.
In the early afternoon, Rich spotted a girl accompanying a youth group and paddled away from the rest of the crew to talk to her. Quickly, he disappeared.
Shortly afterward, the Sacovivors stopped at what was left of Sizzleback Beach, which was almost completely submerged by the high waters. Talk quickly turned from nostalgia to Rich's absence.
After a short pit stop, the crew was off to find Rich. But curve after curve, mile after mile, there was no sign of him.
The crew floated by landmarks on the familiar river: bridges, beaches and mile markers. Calls of "Rich!" went unanswered. As the crew passed Dziadul Falls -- normally a Day Three milestone -- the crew grew angry at Rich's disappearance. There was no sign of Rich.
The Sacovivors beached to decide what to do, as Brownsfield Bridge (the Day Three pull-out) was fast approaching. The crew considered camping without Rich, but Brad and Jeff had left their belongings in Rich's care on his canoe. Ending the trip early was also an option, but not without losing the canoe rental money.
The group decided to find Rich and camp as soon as possible as evening approached.
Only a mile-and-a-half from the end of the journey, the Sacovivors rounded a corner calling, "Rich!" The calls were answered by the solar-powered canoe group, who explained that Rich had joined them thinking the rest of the crew was ahead of him.
In an e-mail to the group after the trip, Jason would try to explain what Rich's logic might have been: "If I latch on to this motorboat and travel for three hours at 5 miles per hour, then I'm bound to catch my friends who I saw last at the half way point of a 20 mile river trip sometime around 10 minutes ago...I can somehow fold time and space....and meet up with them."
Bzzzt!
Minutes later, Rich and his canoe emerged from tall grasses near the embankment, and approached the group, who met him with angered silence. Rich spoke first.
"Jason! Comment allez-vous?" Rich said.
"Rich, ya fucked up," Jason replied.
Rich explained that he thought the group was ahead of him.
"So even though there's no one else on the river, and you were hooked to a canoe with a motor, you somehow thought we passed you?" Phil asked.
"Yes," Rich answered.
As the group grasped to understand Rich's logic in his fumble, Rich got angry himself and barked, "I don't want to talk about it anymore."
The trip had taken a very bad turn.
The exasperated group tried to find a suitable campsite so close to the pull-out, but the pickings were slim. The crew almost set camp in a swampy wooded area, until Jon noticed previous campers had used the camp as their cesspool. Back in the boat!
Only a mile from the pull-out, the Sacovivors found a campsite and set camp. As the campfire burned and the group cooked their dinners, the mood lightened a bit and the Sacovivors -- although still upset -- managed to salvage what was left of Day Two of the now-infamous trip.
Before bed, Kirk, Brad and Jon burned Kirk's broken chair and just about everything else they could get their hands on.
The morning of Day Three, the group gathered around the ashes of the campfire to eat breakfast. But breakfast also came with a very unpalatable site -- Bob, squatting bare-assed within site...icing on the shit-cake that was Saco 8.
The crew packed camp, finished the last mile, and called Saco Bound to pick them up. As the drivers went to get the cars, Jay and Bob decided to cross the Brownfield Bridge. Half-way across the bridge, Jay jumped off and into the water below. Bob followed, to cheers from the on-lookers.
The group then packed up, grabbed a bite to eat at a nearby restaurant, and headed home.